Blog - Suzanne Wylde Coaching

To AI or not to AI

I have been feeling, like most of us, the pressure to use AI and frantically become “AI-proficient”, flooding my world. I feel like I got hired for a job where I had to learn a skill as quickly as possible, or everyone would lose their minds, except there’s no pay and very little incentive to do so.

People say it’s faster – true, cheaper – also true.

But when I make something – it comes straight from my heart and mind to yours – no filter. Well ok, sometimes I use a little bit of the Los angeles filter on Insta, but aside from that no filter.

But that direct connection really means something to me.

In a normal working week as a mother and a writer and a coach, it is hard to generate the volume of content that social media algorithms demand in order to be visible. This fact is reflected very clearly in my follower numbers!

But when I do show up, I want you to know it’s me. Not puppet-me. I want you to be able to trust I’m not tricking you into consuming something of low quality, made by a machine to get your email or your money.

I’ve also noticed I’m getting a kind of fatigue from just trying to decide if something is real or not. On the plus side it’s making me spend less time on social media, because when I see a ton of generic, not-human made stuff in a row, I feel disenchanted and put the phone down – a clear win! On the down side, I am just walking away from looking at newer books because I genuinely can’t tell if it’s going to be AI or not from the cover or description.

In terms of my own use, so far I have used AI to look at a contract and point out possible issues, which did help me, I asked it to devise a social media schedule that I don’t follow or even look at, and asked a couple other questions about how to be successful as a multi-potentialite, but I don’t really use that either. I actually am reading a really useful book about it instead (Renaissance Soul).

I felt pretty good when I was using the AI chat, smart even. But I didn’t actually get any smarter. I didn’t flex the muscles of my mind much at all. I didn’t connect to my intuition, which if I’m honest, powers about 90% of my work. Well, I’d say it’s about 30% intuition, 30% research and learning and 30% hard work (10% tea). All of those skills require practice and frequent use or they atrophy and I’m just not willing to risk it. After I used it, I just felt meh.

My biggest tool isn’t productivity, or churning out content, or having 20 social media posts a day or even a week. My biggest asset is the quality I bring to my work. I’m not really looking to make watered-down or derivative anything at all.

And let’s be honest, as an entrepreneur, it can be tough hiring everyone you need, especially when you’re self-published and sometimes it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. But other times people surpass your expectations and help you make something beautiful. And when you hold it in your hand, it’s real.

Every now and then I consider if I want to be one of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people, optimizing things to churn out a high volume of “content”, that really only serves to compete with the high volume of other low-quality content, to drive a multi-billion dollar business that isn’t paying me a cent.

Or do I just want to make stuff with my hands and my heart? And have genuine, thoughtful people buy that stuff and let it enrich their world a little bit.

Just because a tech bro wants to pay some people I used to admire to try admonish me into heavy AI-use, should I do it? Should I be pressured and fear-mongered into it as if high school-level peer-pressure is something that can still move me. I mean, I’m a woman in my 40s – if you try to coerce me into something, what’s more likely to happen is I’ll do whatever I want to do, then put my feet up and have a nice cup of tea.

I have also been wondering what it is about AI videos that turns my stomach and I think it’s this: I’m an intuitive, highly sensitive person. Where other people may just see a person talking in a fake interview, I see a scary mash up of bits of human, torn apart and stuck together all wrong, like bits of macerated meat in a hotdog. All bits of cheek and foot and ear all mashed up and stuck back together. My stomach feels sick, I can’t connect to the humanity, which for me is inseparable from any experience of a person whether IRL or on video, so it feels deranged.

I can deal with normally-animated characters that worked on by 20 or hundreds of people, but for some reason an AI-animated video puppet is something from a horror video for me. It feels like bits of human poured into a moving model covered in skin. I know this is a pretty gross description, but there’s no other way to convey how it feels to me.

When I read AI writing it’s fine. It’s never life-changing. It’s performative humanity. I did a test to see if I could differentiate it, though, and I only got 5 out of 8 correct. However, a tricky part of that test, was that some of the human-written content was not great. So perhaps some AI writing is better than poorly written human stuff? But more emotional, connected or real? No.

But there again, that’s something I’ve been wondering about. If we don’t read different styles, and occasionally bad writing, if everything is homogenized and always the same or similar quality – won’t we atrophy as people? Does AI ever have a headache or a bad hair day? No. It makes mistakes, but the tone doesn’t shift to match it. What will happen to our ability to handle different personalities and opinions if we mainly consume AI? Will our resilience and creativity wither? I’m afraid it will.

I wonder if I’ll commit to doing things the human-made way forever, or if I’ll change my mind at some point. I really doubt it though – the media created by gen-AI gives me the ick so much, it’s hard to imagine it representing me or my brand. Plus, every time I go to use it, my fingers hover over the keyboard for a moment as I wonder if it’s worth the water waste or the environmental impact on people’s homes and towns. And most times it just isn’t.

I think amidst all this pressure it’s important to step back and remember we have autonomy in how to interact with different tech, and how much. At the end of the day, it’s meant to be working for us, so if it’s creating tension or you’re getting addicted to use it and that’s having a negative impact on your ability to think, create or in other areas, it might be time to put it down for a while and remember how to human.

Perhaps I’ll be seen as antiquated and out-of-touch, but I’m surprisingly OK with that. I can let opportunities from low-quality words and work slip through my fingers, while I hold onto unfiltered humanity. I think that will be my brand. Just a human talking to other humans about human things, bad hair days and all.

I just want to end with a couple of questions:

Are you a creative/ highly sensitive person/ intuitive, and does that shape your relationship with AI at all?
And if so – what role, if any, do you want AI to play in your life, in a way that feels supportive of your humanity, creativity and cognitive abilities?

Thanks for reading! If you’re new to me and my site, you can check out my books, coaching, or more info on my background!

Note: I used a link to a book above, and I need to let you know it’s an affiliate link, thanks!

Uncategorized

Tool for Making Genuine & Purposeful Decisions

I made this to counter the online profiling that is becoming more sophisticated in manipulating us to produce specific results – mainly buying stuff, but also voting and other important choices. Obviously every decision we make has the potential to move us closer or further from our true self and values, so if we want to feel happy and like we’re living our lives fully it really does matter.

Before making a decision, you can run through these questions to check in with your genuine self to see if something is right for you.

This exercise will be even easier and more accurate if you have already established your core values and current goals (tools for this are upcoming).

1.I want to buy/ do this because it will give me ___

Example: higher social standing, more self-esteem, distraction from my problems/ pain

2. I want to buy/ do this because it will make me feel ___

Example: more powerful, beautiful, interesting, successful, complete.

3. The messaging I am reading (in an ad, for example) is trying to make me believe _____.

Example: I am not enough, I am weak, I need to be stronger than others, I am ugly, I am flawed.

4. The company or individual is trying to make me feel _____ .

Example: I need to spend money or act in a certain way to be valuable, influential, loved.

5. According to my deepest self and values, I feel that this feeling/ need I am experiencing, telling me to buy/ do this thing is or is not in line with who I am deep down, in that ___.

Example: the want is in line with who I am in that I don’t feel beautiful/ important/ powerful right now.

6. If the want or need is genuine, then I feel the most truthful and “me” way to meet it would be to ____.

Example: take a bath, go for a run, look at happy photos, hug someone, draw something, buy something from an ethical company.

I hope this tool helps you to make genuine choices that suit your personality, values and spirit. I am not against buying things, but I am generally against manipulation and control. If you bookmark this page you can quickly come back and use the tool before making decisions.

If you find this useful in making great choices and countering impulsive spending, please share it with your friends!

I do find advances in tech exciting, but I like to keep things human at the core of my coaching and writing. This includes being thoughtful about using technology and mindful of its environmental and sociological impact. It also means I don’t use AI to write, so for better or for worse, my blogs, guides and books are all me! (My mind to your mind – such a nerd haha).

As the behind-the-scenes forces acting on us get more efficient and persuasive with the use of AI, it may get harder and harder to stay connected to ourselves. In terms of self-development I believe that we need to be that much more aware of staying true and present with who we are deep down, and thoughtful about how we want to show up in the world (as well as the kind of world we want to create together).

You will find more self-development tools on my site and in my books to support you in being you. Take care!

Leadership Development

Evolving Paradigms of Leadership

Years ago the most common concept of a leader was that of a take-charge, alpha, (probably) white male who could make tough decisions and who would call the shots. But our culture has shifted so much that this autocratic style of leadership (except in a few rapid-response professions, out of necessity) sits extremely uncomfortably with us and the way we live our lives now.

Years ago the idea of a leader was that of a take-charge, alpha, (probably) white male who could make tough decisions and who would call the shots. But our culture has shifted so much that this concept of leadership (except in a few rapid-response professions, out of necessity) sits extremely uncomfortably with us and the way we live our lives now.

It is not only due the huge shift in consciousness which covid seems to have triggered, but that is definitely a factor. More self-awareness, more global consciousness around racism and inequality, and a growing need to find meaning in our work, all lead to us having very different needs from our leaders.

In fact, even before I trained as a leadership coach and was predominantly a holistic coach and acupuncturist (and more) I was working with many clients who were burned out and stressed from working with a dictatorial boss. Or I should say, trying to work with. Many of their talents were going to waste, they found themselves fighting to be heard, to give input or for recognition. And many of them were also dealing with rudeness, micromanagement or unhealthy team dynamics resulting from the difficult leadership style.

You may think that a rigid, dictatorial boss is just limiting, or an annoyance. But if so, you haven’t seen the swathes of people suffering from migraines and other health issues, and even mental health issues which are the fallout from unhealthy leadership. It was this very real impact on people’s lives that lead me to leadership coaching. I realized that helping one person was great, but supporting a leader who affects many people, can have a huge impact. And it’s not only the employees who are affected, it’s their partners, families and wider communities.

You might say that people should just compartmentalize and not take it personally – it’s just business after all. However, the bar for interpersonal behavior and communication is much higher than it was even just 10 years ago. In addition, employees need to be able to do a good job in order to feel satisfied and engaged. And we all need to feel respected and heard.

The importance of healthy and effective leadership cannot be understated. Around the world there is a movement towards valuing mental health, inclusion and life-work balance, and much of this culture depends on a leader who is capable and self-aware.

So, how do we support leaders who have looked up to more traditional, hierarchical leaders from a young age, when a new form of leadership is what is actually needed? Of course I will say leadership coaching is the answer! I am biased towards it for obvious reasons. But it is an extremely effective way of bridging this huge divide for people in a way that is understandable and manageable.

However, if this is not possible for you or your organization right now, I’d like to give you some tips for supporting a more ‘old-school’ leader in transitioning towards a more open and self-accountable style of leadership.

Be explicit about which traits and habits are more dictatorial and which are more helpful for your team.
Draw on feedback from colleagues, employees and managers on communication style, openness to input, how they feel after interactions with the leader.
Consider what kind of culture you would like to create ideally, and how the leadership style may need to change to get you there.
Keep an eye on the number of employees having sick days or quitting.
Have the person outline their idea of a good leader and (with empathy and tact) work through any behaviors or attitudes that may be hurting their leadership style, possibly offering suggestions for improvements.

Many of the more hierarchical, dictatorial leaders I have worked with embrace that style because they believe the company’s targets and goals are paramount. They do not consider that the organization’s most valuable asset is its people and the culture that they work within. A strong, healthy culture not only delivers results, it is less turbulent, there are fewer mistakes due to misunderstandings and there is more self-accountability which also delivers higher performance.

So, if you are struggling with an overly hierarchical leader, and want to know how to help them shift towards a healthier leadership paradigm, maybe work with them on some or all of these points.

It can be harder to talk to these kind of leaders as they tend to be less open to feedback, so try and find a non-confrontational way to address your biggest concerns. If you are not able to help them adapt, I recommend hiring an experienced leadership coach who can help them to evolve and embrace a new leadership style in manageable steps instead of feeling threatened by it.

TLDR: If your organisation has issues of retention, productivity, morale or adapting to new ways of working I recommend you assess your key players’ styles of leadership and look for opportunities to help them evolve towards a more open and emotionally-intelligent style.

Leadership Development

What Makes a Good Leader?

This question not only lies at the heart of most Leadership Coaching sessions, it is a huge factor in how my clients are also impacted by other leaders above and parallel to them. However, it is rarely clearly defined, making it hard for people to find their way when promoted into leadership roles.

In fact, it seems much easier to say what good leadership is not, because it impacts us so strongly when we run up against it. Poor communication, hoarding information, control issues, micromanagement, playing favorites, lack of appreciation or praise, being disorganized and other factors have caused huge amounts of stress in my clients over the years. Both in the clients doing it and suffering as a consequence of others doing it.

No one intends to lead badly, but just as horse trainer Buck Brannaman says that your “horse is a mirror to your soul”, your leadership style is a mirror to you also. It magnifies both your strengths and your weaknesses.

It would be easy to list all the qualities that make a good leader: empathy, compassion, decision-making, ability to sort through information quickly, good judgement, communication skills, team-building skills and intentionality around the culture they are creating. What is not so easy, is to say what qualities are needed to achieve those things if they do not come naturally to you.

So often my clients have been promoted into leadership roles because of their skill in their particular job, but not necessarily because of their soft skills. Soft skills are character traits (hard to teach!) and interpersonal skills (also hard to teach!) which are essential for pulling a team together and organizing it, in a way that is both healthy and productive.

Some of my clients have found that they already have all the traits necessary for relating to others and creating a team, but that it is hard to find the confidence to stand up as a leader and tell people what to do. This can be especially hard for groups who have been marginalized in the past, and possibly continue to be. Both because of internalized messages and because of real friction from others. These leaders need extra support in finding their confidence and benefit from finding other leaders in the same boat to relate to. As a female coach I can be helpful to women, however, as a white woman I have to be realistic about my limitations in how much I can relate to the struggles of my clients who are people of color. I try to acknowledge the systems of power that they are working against and I will probably always need ongoing development in this area. I do know that dealing with systemic issues like this can be very fatiguing and people dealing with this kind of pervasive power imbalance need more support in terms of finding safe spaces and implementing regular and impactful self care (beyond superficial self care, like a relaxing bath).

Perhaps counterintuitively, leaders for whom the work and the organization’s mission come much more naturally than the soft skills, have much more of a struggle developing an effective leadership style. Confidence can be a boon but also a stumbling block, in that if you believe you are doing really well, you won’t be very open to learning new skills. Also, interpersonal communication and connection requires a degree of humility that may not come naturally to them. This issue is becoming more and more apparent as culture shifts away from power-over structures, towards power-to, and soft skills become increasingly valuable. It can be a rude awakening for people who grew up with more ‘traditional’ hierarchical structures being modeled to them, and who see that kind of leader in their mind when they step into the role.

To me, leadership has always been a service role – almost as if the traditional pyramid of a hierarchy is turned on its head. The more people ‘beneath’ you, the more you are serving. Of course, this model does not suit all of my clients, it depends on the culture of their company and industry. There is a big difference between a leader in the army and a leader in a service industry, for example. But if you find yourself struggling because you prefer a more traditional approach, but you are being told you need to work on your soft skills or empathy, then there is some work to be done. Not solely on incorporating new skills, but in terms of trying to evolve your concept of what a leader is. Although we all have our own unique leadership styles, if your style is rubbing up against the culture in your company or even the wider culture we are all a part of, you will encounter ongoing problems.

This could be a blog article in itself – the difficulty of changing with the times. Because the times not only bring new technology, they also require us to expand our thinking and adapt how we see the world and even ourselves. This can be very confronting for some people, and although it seems like we can simply tack on another skill, like listening, for example, if you want to be a great leader, you need to be able to evolve with the times. You need to evolve because the people you are serving and their dynamic is evolving, and if you are rigid in the face of that, you will not be able to hear and see them and what they need.

This is obviously a huge topic, not one I can easily cover in one article. But the TLDR is that I have seen two main paradigms with leaders that need support. Some with great soft skills who feel a lack of confidence in their ability to take ownership of their role. Others with a lot of confidence, but an identification with an older concept of leadership, which is more rigid and distant, more autocratic you could say. And perhaps counterintuitively, it has been the first group which lacks confidence that actually comes along in leaps and bounds, and I think it is because their humility means they are more open to learning and change.

Of course, leadership is much more nuanced than this and there is much more to consider, but in this article I wanted to talk about the two major trends I have seen in people seeking leadership coaching.

So let me leave you with a couple of questions to think about:

Which group do you identify with the most?
What is your idea of the perfect leader?
How would you feel if you reported to you as a leader (including both pros and cons)?

I hope you enjoyed this article, why not share it with someone you think will be interested in the ideas I discussed, perhaps it will spark a conversation. And if you are struggling at all – either with your own leadership style, or with someone else’s – remember that change is always possible. We just need to find the right path forward for the individual, as we do not all learn and evolve in the same way. There is always hope!

Self-care

Self Care Around the Holidays

There\’s something about the holidays that can amp things up; family, old memories, things unspoken, even movies designed to cheer us up, in which everything ends up perfect and wrapped up with a bow, but leaves us feeling less-than by comparison.

Many people have to also deal with grief, the ghosts of trauma past and life challenges, and all these things can add up to a stressful holiday period. So I\’ve put together a simple guide with suggestions for making self-care a priority throughout your holiday season.

Think about any pressures you\’re putting yourself under.

These may be unspoken, or things we\’re unaware of. Are you pressuring yourself to provide others with a certain experience, buy the perfect gifts, do things a certain way, be with certain people?

Consider if all/ any of these pressures are necessary. It may help to think about why them seem necessary, and then gently challenge that thought. The underlying impulse may be good, but does it need to look exactly the way you think, or be achieved in the way you\’re planning? Is there a way that feels better to you (perhaps lower stress, less expensive or more genuine to you)?

2. Consider what stresses you\’re anticipating.

That\’s the thing with long-term friends and family isn\’t it? We usually already know what they do that stresses us out, and often just anticipating that causes stress in advance. If there\’s anything specific you\’re worried about happening, see if you can create an alternative plan, boundaries, a get-out clause or pre-emptively communicate to see if you can lessen the stress and boost your feeling of safety and relaxation.

3. Consider which expectations are unhealthy.

Unrealistic expectations are the hallmark (excuse the pun) of Christmas movies, so it\’s normal to feel a heightened sense of expectation and even fear of disappointment already.

This can be especially hard for anyone who\’s experienced trauma – i.e. the idea you \”should\” be with your family of origin (even if that is painful for you). What expectations are you trying to live up to? And do any of them require you to abandon yourself in some way to achieve them? This is not just for trauma survivors, we all experience social pressures that can make us forget about ourselves.

There may be a more genuine way to honour your expectations and wants this holiday season. It may not look like a perfect Christmas movie, but being genuine starts within. You can consider what an expectation\’s best intention is and then a way to meet it in the way that allows all of you to show up. For example, from the social expectation that you should be with your family or origin, you can take the message that you should be kind-hearted and loyal. Then you can consider: who do I genuinely want to be kind-hearted and loyal towards, and how would I like to show that this holiday season? Or who do I feel deserves my kindness and loyalty, and how do I want to express that?

4. Create pockets of time and space

This can be especially important for introverts, but we all need our version of this. If you know you need alone time for at least an hour every day, set that up right from the start of a visit. If you know you need physical space, make sure you take that time for yourself. You can use an excuse, such as I just started walking an hour a day and I like to do it alone, or you can be brutally honest; I love you, but I need an hour alone every day to feel good. Think about what will help you to stay present and happy through the holidays and ways to set those boundaries in advance.

5. What do you want from the holidays?

Expectations and pressures are rife, and it may feel like we already know what we want from the holidays – the perfect Christmas meal/ time with loved ones/ time off work/ playing a computer game non-stop etc. But it\’s easy to assume we know what we want, without actually considering it.

So, take a moment to think about what the ideal would be. Lots of baths, walks, talks, food, friends, laughter, games, sleep, cuddles, books, learning a skill, exploring a new place. Bear in mind it doesn\’t have to be what is expected of you. When you know your top goals, you can put some things in place to increase the likelihood of getting what you need. Remember not to try pressure others in trying to meet your needs without communication though. They may not be in a place where they can meet them.

The need for Self Care is magnified when our lives are magnified

By which I mean that our lives can take on an intensity or a high level of scrutiny over the holidays, which can end up making us feel overwhelmed, disappointed or down.

I believe a large part of this stress comes from the pressure of trying to meet social expectations or our own expectations in a way that forces us to abandon parts of ourselves, whether that is aspects of our personality, boundaries, or important aspects of our lifestyles. Of course relationship is about compromise, but people who love you also want all of you to show up.

I love the magic of the holidays, the movies and the general spirit of it. But, like a great pair of jeans it is meant to fit us, not the other way around. It is meant to help us by giving us something to look forward to and reminding us of all the good things in life. It often backfires when we hold up our lives to a false ideal, and leaves us feeling disappointed. So, when you consider your self care this holiday season, you might want to think about what makes life special to you, and how you can celebrate that in a way that feels right and good to you personally. Happy holidays!

Suzanne

Uncategorised

Exhaustion of the Spirit

When you think you’re tired because you’re not sleeping or eating right or you exercised too much or too little, but then you fix all those things and you’re still tired – it may actually be your spirit that is worn out.

It can be pretty hard to differentiate the cause unless you rule out the other factors, because spirit (aka: energy, enthusiasm, creativity, desire, passion, joy, shine in our eyes) is always there, while our other habits can fluctuate. But here are some ways of telling if this is what you’re experiencing:

feeling exhausted by: negativity, mediocrity, solutionsless-complaining
needing to spend time alone in nature or in quiet contemplation
feeling energized after being exposed to: beauty, uplifting art or music, conversation with engaged, bright and/or soulful people, spending time in nature, immersing yourself in a passion or creating
feeling like you have an injury which can\’t be seen, but you definitely know something inside is tarnished, or even broken.

I have experienced this a few times in my life, so if you’re going through it now I can empathize. Being a very open person and putting myself into a variety of new situations is great for learning and growth, but you can find yourself unprepared for new challenges. Challenges that can be too much for us if they affect us very negatively and wear us down.

If you’re an HSP (highly sensitive person) you’re even more likely to experience this unique kind of burnout. The world can be more geared towards the people who crave stimulation, information and drama, making it overwhelming for people with sensitive nervous systems.

I feel that at a certain point in our lives we all have to get real about the minimum quality of situations and conditions required for our health. In doing so, we can decide to change a situation or culture, leave it, or, if it us unavoidable, protect ourselves from it as best we can.

Because spirit is always there and not in the forefront of our minds, it seems infinite. Until suddenly we realize we\’ve exhausted it.

Putting energy into someone or something for too long while getting nothing back, allowing our enthusiasm to be used by someone unable or too lazy to engage their own, wringing our creativity too hard without rest – basically any form of using the energy of our spirit without reward or renewal, can exhaust it.

And then we need rest. Not a few naps or an early night. Deep, deep rest that renews our spirit. We need to bathe in beauty, remove ourselves from incompetence and ugliness, pursue activities that kindle a spark of life within us, restoring our unique self and the energy that both fuels it and which is given off by it.

We need to give our spirit the conditions it requires in order for the healing process to happen fully.

Because when it is broken there is no progress, no deep love, no joy, no newness that can enter our world and delight us. Without spirit, life is all structure and no substance, like a dilapidated house on a hill with broken windows untouched by either light or warmth.

But whatever state you’re in, remember there\’s always at least a spark there within you, just waiting for you to supply the right kindling that will allow it catch fire again. And with patience, dedication and good choices, you can tend that precious flame until you feel like yourself once more. And then a whole world of colour and life and experience will open out in front of you to enjoy once again.

I hope this was useful, and that if your spirit is tired, you take the deep, deep rest you need and deserve.

Take care.

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Reframing to Overcome Your Resistance

Reframing is a tool used in therapy and coaching, to help us see things in a different light. It can loosen the grip a difficult situation has on us, allowing us more scope to see in different lights.

In this article, I am going to talk about reframing specifically as a way of helping us with our own resistance.

This could be resistance to change, effort, moving forward – anything we know is good for us and genuine, but something is holding us back. It can also be important to look more deeply at why we are scared to move forwards, but right now we will only be looking at managing our own resistance.

Let’s start with an example. I want to start working out at the gym. I put it on my schedule, pick out my clothes, even the music perhaps. Yet there always seems to be a plausible reason not to go.

I used my willpower to get everything ready to go, so why wasn’t that enough to get me through those gym doors?

Well, there may be self-worth or other issues from the past going on, but right now, I just want to start working out. So how can I push through? Do I just try to force myself?

No. Instead, I’ll use reframing to help with my resistance.

I can think one or two of these things:

Thank goodness I have the resources, free time and support I need to be able to work out
I don’t have to enjoy the first 20 minutes, that’s OK, I know I’ll start to feel good at some point
My goal right now is not to work out, it is just to walk through the gym doors. Whatever I do after that is fine.
I deserve to be healthy and strong and to enjoy the relaxation that goes with that.

When I think of a phrase that works for me, I feel a shift. I put my shoes on and even though I still feel a nervousness and a hesitation, I put my hand on the gym door and push.

And just like that, I have defused my resistance and got one step closer to being as good as I want and deserve to be.

Reframing for Your Resistance

The phrases you use will look different depending on who you are and how you feel about your goal. Mostly because the reason you feel resistance will be specific to you.

But although it is helpful to understand why you are resisting something, so you can come up with a specific new viewpoint, it’s not vital. As in the example above, you can choose the phrase that sparks something within you, that makes you feel freer to act.

And this is not just about working out, of course. It could be starting a new class, learning a new skill, meeting new people, going to a party, applying for a job, going to a fancy bar, asking someone out, basically any situation where you’d have to push yourself, grow, see yourself in a new light or leave your comfort zone in any way.

Can you think of something you want to do, but you’re resistant to taking that first step or committing?

Exercise.

OK. Call to mind that thing you’re resistant to.
Now imagine yourself taking the first step. Notice the details: your clothes, your posture, how you feel, the weather, how the thing, place or people look.
Now wonder with an open mind, what attitude/ thought would make me feel OK doing this?
Notice what comes up, jot it down if you like. It may be something unexpected, that’s OK. As long as it feels positive for you.
If it is not already a phrase, make it into one. For example, if the attitude is feeling confident, the phrase may be: “I am a strong, confident person who belongs here.”
Now hold that phrase or thought in your mind, embodying it as fully as possible.
OK, imagine taking that first step again. How does it look and feel?

That visualization can not only help get you your reframing phrase, it can give you a little insight into the reason you feel resistant. Maybe the first time you imagined the situation you felt a little insecure, underqualified, out-of-place or unworthy? That is part of your resistance.

You could definitely explore that in therapy or your own self-reflection. But learning through doing is also an important part of self-development work, because we learn more about who we are when we try new things and enter new situations, pushing through personal frontiers.

The Mechanics of Resistance and Reframing

When we have resistance inside us, it can be hard to push directly back against it and win, because it is coming from us. It has the same strength we have, so it can be as effective as arm-wrestling ourselves.

But if we approach it from a different direction, mindset, instead of fighting against it – we recruit some of the resources creating it, to use for our own goal.

There is energy in resistance and there is energy in emotion. And there is emotion in resistance too. Basically, there is a lot of energy.

And when there is energy in a place, it is much more efficient to recruit it and/ or redirect it, than to try and make it disappear or fight against it. This applies to the energy of resistance too.

It’s not only made of energy, it’s made of us. When we want to do something hard or new, the more of us we can get on our side the better.

Our resistance is usually created by underlying limiting beliefs. “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not good-looking enough,” “I don’t know enough,” I’m not popular enough.” The things we all think sometimes, but so strong it ties our shoe laces together.

By using reframing we can shift the centre of our viewpoint, from within that limiting belief to outside it. We don’t completely blast it to smithereens, but just step outside it and make it not the focus.

Fighting against a limiting belief can do the opposite of what you want. It’s like fighting with a narcissist – you make it about them and they use that energy. So fighting against a negative belief can give it more power. Instead, shift your attention away from it, towards a more useful and positive thought. Then you will use the energy in your attention to help that positive thought to grow.

Final thoughts about reframing

For such a simple tool, this is also extremely powerful. I want to leave you with a few final points to make sure you get the most out of it:

The best reframing statements feel right, but there may be some resistance (more resistance??) to believing them completely. That resistance doesn’t mean the statement is not true, just that you’re not completely there yet in terms of being able to accept it fully.

Excessively positive or grandiose statements are not helpful. For example, not “I will be the best and beat everybody,” but “I have a right to be there and take part.” If your statements are really over-the-top positive, you may be trying to counter very low self-worth or very negative beliefs about yourself. The best way to work with that is kindness, patience, being gentle and changing incrementally instead of leaping ahead.

If you have a limiting belief that continues to undermine you, you might be better off addressing it in therapy. If you feel like therapy is right for you, but you have resistance to going – try reframing that. “Thank goodness I have the resources to go for therapy,” “it is great I can find affordable resources to support me,” “I deserve to feel good inside,” “I am a brave person,” for example.

When you know your limiting belief, do not allow it to dictate your reframing statement by making something that is the direct opposite. In a way, that keeps it about the limiting belief. Instead, let a genuine, positive phrase come to mind, or try a few out. i.e. the opposite of “I am not worthy,” is “I am worthy,” but a more genuine thought for you may be, “I love all the messy parts of myself that make me bold and beautiful.” In this way you don’t allow the limited parts of yourself to set the parameters for your perspective, you allow your inner potential and light to do that instead.

And you have a lot of it!

I hope you enjoyed this look at reframing and get to use it soon, today even!

And as always, take care!!

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Using Meaning to Motivate

A common issue I see in clients trying to achieve a goal, is trying to use mainly discipline as motivation, only to have that run out and either only make intermittent progress or give up entirely.

The issue with using discipline to move forward is that it is mainly designed as a short term engine, not a long term one. It is like being in first gear (for you manual/ stick drivers!) – great to get moving, but not very easy to keep moving or accelerate.

Why?

The fact that we need to use discipline to start with, means we are doing something we’re resistant to. Over time, the resistance often outlasts our discipline.

This may not be true for areas where the habit or action can become pleasurable over time – but in this case, we’re not continually using discipline. We only used it to get started.

So, if discipline is mainly good for getting us off the sofa, what do we use to motivate ourselves and others for the long term?

Meaning.

I kind of gave it away in the title, didn’t I!

I have been thinking recently about how when we strive for happiness, we often end up unhappy. But when we strive for meaning, we generally feel more satisfied and content.

When you use discipline, underneath is the message that you are working hard to push against something within yourself – laziness, an addiction, or inaction. And working against ourselves (even small parts) is usually tiring.

When we work towards meaning, we usually aren’t working against anything (OK, it could be against injustice, but we usually aren’t working against major parts of ourselves), we are working for things.

Let use the analogy of a worker being told to do something “just because” and being told to do something, plus the reason behind it. In which scenario are they more enthusiastic and engaged?

In which scenario do they have to use will power to begin, and in which can they use a sense of purpose instead?

We all want to feel useful, effective and that we are making an impact on the world.

So the next time you need to motivate yourself, or someone else, consider:

How will this add meaning or value to my life, or the lives of others?

Let me give you some examples, to really anchor this point:

Working out at the gym 3 times a week because you feel you should (discipline), or because you know being strong is something that makes you feel more at ease in yourself (meaning, authenticity).

Getting a report done because it is due (discipline), or because you know it will help your team (meaning, showing up for others, positive self-regard)

Tolerating your difficult relative because you feel duty-bound to (discipline) or because this is an aspect of being the person you want to be (meaning, integrity, forebearance).

Can you see how easily meaning combines with other intrinsic values? Discipline can co-exist with them, but it is largely it’s own thing. It says “I’m pushing through, don’t disturb me”, while meaning says “I’m working towards something” and sometimes “can we do more together?”.

And I satisfy some of my own need for meaning by writing this blog, because sharing information is a key value of mine. I feel that if we all share our expertise, we’ll shape a better world together. What is the meaning you work towards?

I hope this look at meaning vs discipline helped!

Take care,

Suzanne

PS In the future I will most likely look at practical ways of finding the core meaning to help you achieve your goals, or to help team members find theirs, so stay tuned. You can also access my guide on setting powerful goals here.

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Being the Steward for All the Ages Inside Us

Have you ever been at a point in your life where the same emotion or situation keeps coming back around? Or you want to move forward but can’t seem to, or self-sabotage your best efforts to change or improve?

If so, this aspect of self-development work may hold the key to what is holding you back.

Firstly I want to remind you, as always, do get help from a trained professional such as a therapist if you need to.

You’ve undoubtedly heard of the inner child, that young part of us we carry inside. But have you considered all of the ages inside you? Every single age up to this one. The baby, the toddler, the child, the preteen and teen, the young adult, the adult and the middle-aged person, even the retiree – depending on your age.

I have come to think of it as being a steward to all those ages of ourselves, rather than simply containing them.

This is a bit like the way I think of myself as a steward to my dog, rather than her owner. And if you were to ask her, she would definitely not consider herself owned – although she might say I belong to her!

So, we have all these ages of ourselves within us for our whole lives (and of course the older we get the more we have). And they have needs, which can affect us.

For example, if we have a goal, and a younger part of our self has a conflicting emotion, we can get stuck or self-sabotage. Perhaps that part of us isn’t ready to move forward yet, or doesn’t feel heard or seen. Maybe they don’t feel loved by us enough or safe enough to move forward in the direction we want.

In a way it’s a bit like being a parent to a large group of children and adults. Some of them will need more at certain times, and when they do, it’s important we care for them.

Trying to silence these parts of our self or force them to change or progress before they are ready, can be lead to troubling emotions and inner conflict.

The best way to take care of them is to have a dialogue, stay open to hearing what they have to say and give them a way to express themselves. And if they feel a need for love, attention, information, guidance or other – give that to them. The exercise below is a simple way of doing that.

Exercise

Sit quietly, breathing in a relaxed way. Pay attention to your physical feelings and emotions.

Then ask, with an open mind, is there a younger part of me that needs something?

Wait without expectation and you may feel a part of you come forward, or even see them in your mind’s eye.

Have a dialogue with them. Give them the space they need to express themselves, as well as the attention and care they need to feel safe and seen.

If you want to, you can write it out. If they express specific needs you can agree on a way to meet them.

Finally, end by telling that younger part of you that you love them and feel grateful for everything they have done for you.

Slowly open your eyes.

This is a short look at a big subject, so if you feel there is more work to be done here the good news is that there are a lot of resources out there.

A final note on this topic is that it is good to remember what you needed at the age you are talking to. At 27 years old you may have needed a lot of gentleness and kindness, in which case you try to give that to her when you talk to her. Or at 4 you may have needed to feel listened to, so try give that to him. Any age that comes forward should be able to give you an idea of what they need, but it’s worth remembering that they may not all need what we think people of specific ages needing. So do keep an open mind and make sure you listen to them. I would say I don’t think any of them will need discipline or harsh talk – they are coming up because they are hurt in some way. So always be kind.

I hope that you, and all the ages of you, enjoyed this. Be gentle with yourself.

And take care!

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Dealing With Very Difficult People While They are Triggering…

Little Intro

In this eclectic article I\’m going to talk about dealing with people who are very difficult and at the same time pushing on our sore spots emotionally. I don’t mean the people who accidentally step on our toes (once again emotionally speaking!), but the people who seem intent on getting a rise out of us, or staying entangled in some kind of weird dynamic, or power struggle with us. You can absolutely use some of the following exercises for people who are essentially benign and are just tripping over our triggers now and then by accident.

But if you have someone who is being an absolute nightmare right now, perpetuating a situation or conflict that absolutely does not need to be as difficult as it is, I hope that this will help. Because your situation is exactly what I had in mind while writing. OK, here we go!

Dealing With Difficult People When it Hurts

This is very not fun. You got hurt in the past and now, almost as if the world is poking the wound, it has come back around with a new version of exactly the same thing.

‘What did I do to deserve this?’ Is a common reaction.

It makes sense. It’s not fair that we can go through life trying to do good, but bad things and people with bad motivations still pop up out of nowhere.

But we need to shift the paradigm.

What if the world isn’t trying to hurt or diminish us at all?

What if it keeps coming back with opportunities for us to revisit our wound and heal ourselves stronger? To know ourselves better? To finally move on.

I am currently dealing with a situation like this, so for me it is the perfect time to write about it. In fact, I usually try to write about issues when I am in the midst of them, because then I can truly empathise with you and everyone going through it, in a way that is embodied. A lived experience, rather than just something I know about.

A quick note from me

Firstly I want to remind you, as always, do get help from a trained professional such as a therapist if you are suffering or affected by these issues.

And secondly (but not less importantly), I want to say that I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

Adding Injury to Injury: A Rare Opportunity?

To have been wounded in the first place, perhaps when you were even quite young, is hard and it’s painful. To have that wound circle back over and over again like some kind of hungry shark can feel even worse sometimes. Like its personal.

And I think it is personal. But not in a malicious way. I believe if the universe thinks you’re strong enough and that you deserve better, it will keep offering you opportunities to step up into a more powerful and real expression of yourself and out of the lingering pain of that wound.

So, a difficult situation with someone who is triggering you can be an amazing opportunity, even though it is also so hard.

It’s important to note that even though we may carry a wound, we don’t need to accept any responsibility for other people’s bad behaviour. We can use it to our own advantage, however, to grow as a person and to heal.

Designer Brands Of Pain

It’s also useful to think about the fact that while other people may act badly, their behaviour may roll off our backs and we may either barely notice it or recover very quickly, if we don’t have the wound that matches it.

While those people who are acting out and looking (unconsciously) to tap into our specific brand of pain, can do things that feel exquisitely painful to us.

If you are a match then they will tend to linger in your life until you have healed that wound enough to stop accepting that kind of pain. At that point, they typically no longer get any release or satisfaction from the dynamic and may even let go of their own accord.

Pointers, Perspectives and Exercises

The difficult thing with these situations is the amount of stuff going on behind the scenes. The invisible stuff that makes a dynamic – most of it unspoken and unconscious.

So I want to talk about a few pointers you can use to get some perspective on a difficult situation like this, as well as some tips for dealing with it.

Try and Identify the Wound

If someone’s actions or words are hurting, although it could just be about the current situation, if it feels very strong then they may be triggering an old wound. Bear in mind you may need to get support from a therapist as you work with this, because it may be very sensitive and/ or be affecting a much younger part of you.

The phrase “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical” is kind of useful and catchy enough to remember, if patronising – I don’t think you’re hysterical! But, if your reactions are stronger than seems warranted for the behaviour, that’s a strong sign you have an existing sore spot they may be pressing on.

Exercise:

Try to remember the first time you felt the way this person/ situation is making you feel. Try writing down all of your feelings about that old situation or emotion, and how it made you feel about yourself. Be kind to yourself as you do this, take time out if needed, and practice self-compassion. Self-blame has no place in this exercise.
Now write down your feelings about the current situation and how it is making you feel about yourself.
OK, now you have those two lists, find the similarities common to both.
You can draw this out as a Venn diagram if it helps, one circle being your feelings from the past (from #1), the second circle being the recent situation (#2) and the overlapping section containing the similarities (#3). These can include similar dynamics, feelings, actions, gestures, responses from you, even vocabulary used by the other person or yourself.

2. Take a moment to Breathe

It’s important to be kind to yourself when you uncover these deeper emotions. So take a moment with the following exercise.

Exercise:

Put your hands on your heart and say these phrases in your mind or aloud in your own time:

“I am safe and I am loved.

I am worthy of love and respect.

I am not to blame for others’ actions.

My worth remains high, no matter how I am treated

I am whole and worthy of love.”

3. Imagine What a Mentor Would Do

This does not have to be someone you know in real life, or even a real person. Just pick someone you look up to. Like Judi Dench, the Black Panther, Marlon Brando – whoever you feel a strong respect for. OK, now you have your person in mind, try this quick exercise:

Exercise:

Imagine your ideal mentor in this exact situation. With an open mind and taking your time on each question, wonder:

How would they respond?
What would they say?
And how do you think they would feel?

This is a very useful exercise because it tells you not only how you want to be in the situation: it tells you more about who you actually are deep down. If there is a strength you admire in your mentor you may not have fully embodied or owned it yet, but it’s in there. Congratulations!

4. Identify What the Difficult Person is Trying to Get/ Get Rid Of (and What is Hurting You)

Our weak spot is our wound, the \’difficult person\’s\’ MO is whatever emotion they are trying to put on us or get from us. For example, if someone can\’t deal with their own anger they may be impossible to work with until we feel that anger and express it for them. Or if, as very commonly happens, they are in pain and can\’t bear to feel it, they will act in a way that hurts us, putting their pain on us instead.

I had a realisation of another key aspect of this dynamic, while reading an amazing book called Group by Christie Tate. In it her therapist says that when you keep a secret for someone else, you’re agreeing to hold their shame. I realised this may be crucial to the kind of poor behaviour we might experience from others, beyond an unconscious channelling of their pain into us or trying to elicit specific emotional responses. Because shame is a very specific, sticky, uncomfortable emotion – difficult to hold and difficult to let go of. Even if the difficult person is not asking you to keep a secret, they may be trying to alleviate their own feelings of shame.

So there are a wide range of things the other person may be asking us (unconsciously) to hold or to supply, from emotions such as anger or joy, to… forces (? there may be a better term for these) such as love, attention or pain. It is great to be open-minded while considering what the relevant one(s) in your situation might be.

(And the \’difficult person\’ most likely has their own wound they are trying to distract from or satisfy. But that is none of our business, because that is their issue to deal with, not ours to try to fix (a common way we might try to avoid addressing our own discomfort, or avoid acknowledging our value).)

I believe symptoms of holding others’ pain may include: agitation, confusion, excessive problem-solving about the situation, self-blame and thinking about that person too much. And symptoms of holding others’ shame may include all of those and also: feeling like the connection between you is “icky”, you feel bogged-down or \’gross\’, and that the issue is starting to affect how you feel about yourself, for example: lowering your self-esteem or ability to listen to your instincts.

So, try this short exercise:

Exercise:

Wonder with an open mind, what the main emotion or specific dynamic behind the scenes is.
When you have one or a couple, say to yourself:
- “This [the specific emotion or dynamic] is not mine to hold. It has nothing to do with me.”
Picture it leaving your body, and also your, and the other person’s, emotions separating.
Take a deep breath and let your shoulders drop a couple of times.
Then pick out a pleasurable and healthy thing to do to nurture yourself today. A walk, a smoothie, massaging your shoulders – whatever it is, try to enjoy shifting your focus back to yourself and your life in an empowered and embodied way.

5. Get the Care You Need

Although this situation has been a great prompt, it is powerful to keep your attention on yourself, your healing. In fact, shifting your focus back from the other person to yourself is the ultimate success. Because, although you may never get the apology or vindication or even just clarity you want, the point is always you and how you feel about yourself.

So, try this open-ended exercise for considering your healthiest next steps.

Call to mind the nature of the hurt you are carrying, with a gentle and open mind set (avoid getting into specifics or the “story”)
With a curious and open mind, wonder – what is the best way forward for myself? Is it therapy, massage, more socialising, speaking more openly to my friends, setting up healthier boundaries, or other? This next step could be anything as long as it is healthy and feels right for you.

Wrap-up

I hope you enjoyed this simultaneously long and way-too-short-to-cover-everything article. It occurs to me we have not covered the practical aspect of dealing with difficult people, so I may revisit this topic with a second part next week. And if you’re struggling with a situation like this, you may also benefit from reading Part One and Part Two of my article on dealing with narcissists.

I hope you’re doing OK with everything, feeling healthy, happy and whole.

As always, take care!

Suzanne

PS If you want to check it out, this is the Group book (it\’s an affiliate link btw).

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